Lymph Nodes, This will not stand

In all honesty, what are these things problems. A few minutes ago I had no problems with them whatsoever. But sometimes shit comes up, you know? You'll just be sitting there, and they'll march in, crawl right up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass.

Look at this shit.



Yeah? Well screw you buddy.

What a goddamn bag of dicks. Where do they get off? It's like the rules don't apply to them. If you say A they do B. In the type of society we live in today, there is just absolutely no room for that. Why don't they just grab a box of BK chicken fries, throw on their ipod video, and watch skating with celebrities like everyone else? But no, there's always a few bad apples in the bunch. There's always that one that has to shit in everyone elses apple pies.

And these, my friends, are the heftiest of the shitters and shenanigans. I'm not sure my point is quite getting across. Please your honor, I ask for the court's indulgence.

A wise man once warned that he who represents himself has a client for a lawyer and a lawyer for a client. Now, what we need to determine here is what is the truth and what is the lie.

If the world was an apple pie:



And Lymph Nodes are shitting all over the pies:



Then it's quite obvious who the enemy is here. And if all things being equal, and all pies getting crapped in. Lymph nodes should no longer be allowed to play the foos until they have proven themselves worthy members of society. Parole not awarded. And someone here owes me a hundred and twenty-two fifty.

I rest my case.

I'm not dead yet.

What's the difference?

Went to Robbie's tonight.

Then to the Oyster place.

Then came home.

Congrats, now you're up to date on my life.

Suck me, Beautiful

It’s my birthday and I’ll do what I want to
Fuck you it's my birthday
A special holiday only for me
So do what I say
It’s my party, I’ll make you cry if I want to...
Or leave
Fuck you
It’s not your birthday
So do what I say
Ok

For 24 hours you’re wishing me well
364 days I’m in hell
Oh well
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me

Alone
On my birthday,
I’m going to Denny’s 10 times today
No tip!
It’s my birthday
So do what I say
Thanks mom for not having an abortion
Or my birthday wouldn’t be today
But I guess it’s my good fortune
My birthday’s today
Ok

For 24 hours you’re wishing me well
364 days I’m in hell
Oh well
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me

Spank me
Spank me
Spank me
Spank me
Spank me
Spank me
Oh well

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
I can’t believe you forgot my birthday
It’s my birthday and you’re wrecking it
Now it’s just like every other day
You didn’t do what I say
How could you forget my birthday?
That’s really immature
Fuck you
For forgetting my birthday
You didn't do what I say today

24 hours no wishing well
Now 365 days I’m in hell,
Oh well.
Happy birthday to me.
Happy happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me

The Vandals - Happy Birthday to Me

ComUp Presents

I haven't done one of these for a long time, and I don't know what inspiration struck me to do so. But without further delay...

Commercial Upright Presents: Accounting VS. Carpet: GRUDGEMATCH OF DOOM.

This analysis is designed to determine which is more interesting, Accounting or a carpet.

Phase One: The Fight.

Holy shit, time out. I want this cake for my birthday, which is Thursday.



Ok time in. Holy shit, you know what, let's just go nuts, Accounting and Carpet are going to fight on my birthday cake.



OH MY GOD IT'S A BLOODBATH, WHO WILL COME OUT VICTORIOUS?




And the winner is...




Phase Two: Side-by-Side Analysis



Once again, carpet definitely wins.

Phase Three: Personal Experience

Today I sat in Accounting and stared at the carpet for 1.25 hours.

Case Closed

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

They sent the check to my house...

In New Hampshire.




My brain is on fire.
Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Richard, what's happening to me?

Holy shit. Look at this.

There's something wrong with those people.

There has to be something horrifyingly evil about that site...

I just haven't been able to find it yet.

Straight Ahead

Wow, that was fun. It's 6 o'clock at night, and I just woke up an hour ago. I had woken up at around 11, but I felt like this.



So I went back to bed.

We won the roadgame in Jax on Saturday night. It wasn't a very good game. The rink they have up there is the most ghetto place I've ever been to. I'm sure I have some sort of lung cancer now from the insulation they had at that place. The refridgeration was shit and the ice was all mushy.

Speaking of ailments, I don't know what happened this weekend, but I got banged to shit. I'm now having problems with my left shoulder, probably rotator cuff... my right knee hurts now everytime I walk... and I got hit with a shot on the back of my thigh and it created a big purple tumor. It's like a lump, it's nasty. It'll probably stop the bloodflow and they'll have to cut off my leg or something. But I'm no doctor.

Money still isn't here from Riddle, I'll have to write "bust kneecaps" on my hand. So I don't forget to hurt the people in accounting on Tuesday when my check still isn't here.

Oh yeah, someone hit me in the top of the head somehow on Friday night too... my spine kind of hurts from that. I hear that's a bad thing.

And to mindfuck me out of a bit more happiness... the mechanic from Firefly is married.



Wow, I hate that guy.

She's probably evil though, all their kind are.

But still, there goes my last reason not to shoot myself.

Like scrotum, here it is in a nutshell

My shoulder feels like shit. I really wish the hockey team had a trainer. Probably 99% of the time shit happens to me I have no idea what it is. Plus it'd be sweet to have someone do all those nifty wraps they always know. Like for my elbow and shiz.

I have no idea why I felt the need to post this... at 3AM...

I have a game in Jacksonville in 12 hours. Should probably get some sleep.



If a young opossum is found then check the surrounding area. There may be more. Be very quiet and listen for "sneezing" sounds the young make to call the mother.

Do not attempt to care for the opossum yourself. In general, it is illegal to do so unless you are a licensed wildlife rehabilitator. More importantly, you may cause the opossum harm or death if you do not know what you are doing.

Contact your local Opossum Society of the United States (OSUS) member, wildlife rehabilitator, veterinarian, state department of wildlife or animal control for assistance. Always check first to make sure they do not euthanize all opossums.



There, you learned something. And knowing is half the battle.

Possums are pretty creepy.

I need some advil.

Let's play a game.

It's called "Tucker has $17.72 to his name and somehow has to make it to Tuesday".

Because that's when my money MIGHT be here by.

Possibly.

Could happen.

Fuck that shit.



That's a picture of me stabbing myself in the head.

With a sword.

And hallucinating a floating heart.

Wearing some pretty sick robes.

And a crown.

I'm pretty sure that's a keyboard in the bottom right.

But mostly stabbing my head with a sword.

I wish I had a keytar.

But mostly a sword.

I can't handle this shit

Fuck my fucking school. The absolute indifference by every single employee of this place is staggering.

Example 1:

Today I was about 2/3 of the way through my workout, and this lady from the athletic department comes up to me and says, "The gym is closed from 2-4 for varsity players only, so... Yeah". I look up at the clock, and it's 2:15. I then look around the gym... Besides me there's 2 other people in the entire fucking gym. I was thinking 'you can't be serious'. So I said, "I'm on the hockey team here at school." And her response was, "That doesn't count, it has to be a real school sport." Now at this point I had 2 options.

Option A.



Option B.



And one of my favorite parts of my life is not being in jail, I chose option B.

Example 2.

Every semester I get a check cut for me from the Financial Aid department that comes from my loans and covers my living expenses and my book costs. I put in the request for this check the day after I got back, on January 13th. It is now the 18th and I still have not received my check. I forgot the mailroom closes at 4pm because it's quite the homo-mailroom. So at ten of four I go reeling down Clyde Morris Blvd at Mach 6 in my truck clicking the "I almost died" counter no less than 3 times to get there in time. I get there, and there's still no check... On day five. I'm not what you'd call the King of Quick, but how fucking long does it take to write a check. Takes me like 30 seconds, by hand. They print the fucking things out. I have all this money sitting in limbo for 6 days now that I can't get at, and I have an Accounting quiz tomorrow that I can't study for because I don't have enough fucking money to buy the Accounting book. Tomorrow if I don't get a check I'm going to student accounts, and I will once again have 2 options.

Option A



Option B



I'll use my one phonecall to post from jail.

My hand was cold

... So I stuck it down my pants.

Sharing is caring, folks.

So I was looking at my stats today, and realized that a lot of people actually read this drivel. And some check it a bit too often for my personal comfort. But whatever, you keep coming back I'll keep pouring out this cranial diarrhea.

Weekend went well. Hockey went 2-0 for the weekend against UNC and USF. That's the first time we've won both games on a weekend for quite some time. Things are really looking up for the team. A lot of people are starting to play more disciplined and pulling their heads out of their asses. Our neutral zone transition and trap actually started clicking for the first time in a while. We jumped out to a 3 goal lead against UNC but choked and let them tie it up 5-5 late in the 3rd period. We banged in a goal with about 6.7 seconds left to win the game 6-5. The crowd went nuts. It was actually really cool to be a part of. People were screaming and hugging eachother and stuff. Even though we were basically on our knees blowing the game, and somehow pulled it off. Against USF we got another 3 goal lead early, but determined not to have a repeat performance of the night before we closed it out handily winning 8-1. USF never really had a chance, we shut them down almost all 60 minutes.

I realized something today that is kind of disheartening... I get almost no joy out of flying anymore. I'm about 90% sure it's from flying at Riddle. I always have a blast when I fly at home or anywhere else. But it's just something about being under so much pressure all the time, and all the regulations, check in times, performance computations for every flight, etc. It just really takes the fun out of flying. It's not like back home when you can go fuel up a plane, hop in and go somewhere. Eh, but I've only got to grind it out until May, so it's not the worst thing in the world.

I wrote an entire blog that was serious and had no swearing in it... This needs to change.

Oh yeah, and I quit drinking.

Tonight is Ultimate Fight Night 3 on Spike TV. From 7-10 they're doing "UFC Best of 2005". Then at 10 it's UFN 3. Should be some great fights. I'm going to overdose on UFC for the next 5 hours of my life, I suggest you do the same.

Pam's pregnant, Focker out.

So pay me money, and take a shot

Finally got my gorramn Ipod working. Itunes has to be the Igayest thing to ever Iexist. I feel dirty owning things with the I in front of them. Everything that came in the Nano package was very white and looked like it belonged in one of those living rooms you're not supposed to go in. I refuse to ever own one of those, by the way.

Sidenote: If anyone recollects the 4 hours after we left 99's on January 10th 2006, let me know. I'm a little fuzzy on that time period in my life. And by fuzzy I mean, don't know. And by don't know I mean, was blacked out.

Hmmm... pretty much just wanted to share about my ipod.

I think I'm going to Isleep on my Ibed with the aided Icomfort courtesy of my Ipillow.

I'm Iout.

Oh yeah, picture. Why not.



Hahahahaha, I can see that shit...

"Get on the ark... get on the ark... hurry now storms coming... OH WAIT NO FUCK YOU DINOSAURS, BACK THE FUCK OFF, NO ROOM FOR FUCKING DINOSAURS UP IN THIS PIECE... GOD, SMITE THE FUCKING DINOSAURS, THEY AINT TOUCHIN' A SINGLE DIRTY ASS TRI-TOED FOOT ON MY ARK!"

And the dinosaurs were like, "What is this gay shit?"

And God was all like, "Bitch please."

That's what happened.

What is this Horsehockey

Consequences of High-risk College Drinking



Obviously no one consulted me about injuries. I've had at least 6 this Christmast break alone. And I assaulted one wall and two doorframes. Sexual Assaults and Deaths... eh, not so much.

I Gotta Stay Fly

I'm not quite sure what that means. I heard it in a rap song. I guess I wasn't lying in my last post about how I wouldn't write shit while I was up here in the great white north. I hope none of you people actually expected me to write anything. The only thing getting a workout the last 3 weeks has been my liver. I say to myself, and I quote Bad Santa, "It's not my fault you're floating your liver 'cause you can't stand what a piece of shit you are." I take that back, not so much a quote as a paraphrase of that classic line. Basically classic in my own head. Even after all this time folks, I'm not going to sit here and lie about it, I've basically got nothing. Let's be serious, I've seen paraplegic waiters bring more to the table.

Yes, for the inquisitive, I've been drinking again. Nothing like drinking in front of your mother. And there's nothing quite like drinking good beer for free. I've had seven Bass so far and my bar tab is $Mom. That means nothing. My batshit insane cat is screeching around the floor. That thing is hardcore messed up. I'm sure that thing is more burnt out than anyone who ever emerged from the 60's alive. I'm sure even our blogfriendly companion Charles Barkley and his crazy underarm deoderant commercials couldn't compare to what this cat goes through on a daily basis.

This break has been like something out of the goddamn twilight zone. Did you ever see that twilight zone where they cut off that guys tounge, and they put it in a jar and it just keeps on pulsating and giving birth to baby tounges? Me neither. But I bet if I had, my Christmas break would be kind of like that. Except I have my tounge, and I've never given birth to anything. Except a few early morning Cosby's. That guy knows what I'm talking about. Whatsup, I got this Glock. Chk. Chk. Fuck shit cock balls. I just had to get that out. I haven't sworn in quite a while. You know these crazy dinner parties, all courtious and no swearing. Everyone being polite. Fuck that shit, imo. That's my new motto. Actually, I'm not really sure I want to lock myself into a single motto. But if I had to, it would be "Fuck that shit." Because I say it in my head a lot. For example, I wake up in the morning, I can either take a shower or sleep another 10 minutes. My brain says, "Shower" and I say "Fuck that shit." I can see where that would backfire though if I was on a farm or something. I come out to shovel all the crap the cows drop out their hind ends, and my brain goes "Fuck that shit." Probably end up with some messy pants.

And the line is back in fucking Packistan, because I crossed it.

UFC is on at 11, and I need another beer. And you need to get your life together. I'm not gonna stop you. I hope you have an amazing day and happy new year.

On second thought.

Fuck that shit.