Top Ten Tips for High Threat Travel

One of the features on Airsafe.com is a top 10 list explaining helpful tips to increase our collective air transport system's security as well as your own.

Click here if you'd like to read the Airsafe.com article.

Or continue reading here if you want the no-horseshit version.

1. Be Aware of Your Surroundings
The next time you are in an airport or on an aircraft, take notice of your surroundings, especially of activities or situations that do not appear to be normal.

I don't know about you, but I've seen a lot of stupid bullshit that people do at the airport. Was it normal when I saw a ~300 pound man lying in a pool of his own vomit behind a row of waiting room seats? Was it normal when I saw a man try to take a wheelchair on a moving walkway, only to have it instantly upended and consequently having a crippled guy being dragged down a walkway on his head with a wheelchair crushing him? Is it normal to see people flip out at ticket counter representatives and make threats that would get most people on CNN for trying to sabotage a flight? Sure. So what is normal at an airport? Because I'm not sure I've ever seen it. So the next time you are in an airport or on an aircraft, notice a lot of stupid bullshit happening and turn back on your mp3 player and don't care. And if the flight attendant tries to make you take it off, wait until they have to go buckle their seatbelts for takeoff, and then just put it back on.

2. Report Unusual Activity
If you see anything in the airport or on an aircraft that looks out of place or otherwise inappropriate such as unusual behavior or potential security violations, inform either a law enforcement representative or someone in authority.

This goes back to the entire "what is normal" situation. I don't know how many of your everyday travelers are experts in human behavior, or can point out when someone is walking differently trying to conceal something. Let's be honest, a lot of your everyday travelers are business people who absolutely couldn't give less of a fuck about what everyone else is doing, and people going on vacation who, while slightly less, still don't really give a fuck what everyone else is doing. So after you remove those two pieces of our total passenger makeup, you end up with the people who really don't want to go where they're going. I don't know who they are, but most likely the assholes who point out things like the emergency exit light being burnt out so you have to go all the way back to the gate after you're already 30 minutes behind your departure time. Thanks a lot, ass.

3. Make No Assumptions About the Who May Pose a Threat
If someone is intent on perpetrating violent acts against the air transport system, that person can be of any age, gender, or nationality. You should not assume that any particular type of person is likely to do harm simply because of outward appearances.

Ok, this is the biggest horseshit of all the horseshits in this list. Let me sketch up a quick fucking diagram for you people.

The fine folks at our government actually expect us to believe that they believe this diagram represents their thoughts behind identifying terrorists. That every single one of those people have an equal chance of being a terrorist. Does this mean the government lies!? Does the pope shit in the woods?

4. Stay Away from Suspicious Circumstances
If you encounter a potential hazard in the airport, move away from the situation before contacting someone in authority. If necessary, warn others in the vicinity. Examples of potential hazards include unaccompanied packages, suspicious behavior, or an unusual commotion.

You can basically file this one under, "Thanks for the useless heads up." I can't imagine people doing anything but what is described in this super friendly "tip".


If you came upon the above situation, would your first reaction be to run up and ask the guy what's going on? Or would you probably stay the fuck away. Notice the lack of question mark in the last sentence. It's because it wasn't a question. Not to mention, if I had a nickel every time I came upon a piece of luggage that was left by itself while its owner went to get a grade double frappuccino marauci super-fudge or whatever, I'd have a shitload of nickels.

5. Keep Your Seat Belt Fastened While You are Seated
Keeping the belt on when you are seated provides that extra protection you might need if the plane hits unexpected turbulence of if the aircraft is put through unusual maneuvers.

You should probably wear a seatbelt. No shit?

Microwave Rice Packet

Probably three of the best words ever invented by Uncle Ben.

Let's sit on that for a second. Hatch it. Like a hen would an egg. An egg that I would've used to make a delicious omelet. But let's pretend it isn't plucked exactly at the time of ejection by the dexterous but ever gentle hands of our theoretical Joe-Buck. Super hyphenated farmer. Let's pretend that it is sat upon and the heat of chicken ass created a living being. This living bean. Let's call it a chicken. But you shake your head from side to side saying, "This chicken ain't real." I would agree with you, because this chicken is a mere representation of our slow contemplation of Uncle Ben. I would also chastise you for your use of the word "ain't" as it's reserved specifically for child molesters, southerners, and people who suck at Battleship.

Hush your mouth. Stay on topic. Four score and seven beers ago I would've told you how throughout my lifetime the only way to make rice was painstaking and slow. You would believe me as you hadn't experienced my life up to this point and you would have to take my word for it. Could I be lying? Possibly. But why would I lie about rice. There are so many more worthy things in life to lie about. Herpes. Your mother's abortion that is etched into your family time line somewhere between you and your younger brother. A strange rash that may be misconstrued to the general public as herpes. You know, I'm pretty sure a lot of people lie about herpes. Hence it's addition in my three-pronged list twice. After that last portion one would ask, do you yourself have herpes. I would ask, who are you talking to. I refuse to format that last part as if someone was speaking. Because it's really just me being hypothetical about this whole herpes situation. The answer is no. I do not have them. But perhaps Uncle Ben's were flairing up, and that's what caused him to make microwave rice.

Theory: Uncle Ben had herpes. Microwave rice reduced his cooking time, thereby reducing time he spent standing. Uncle Ben had herpes on the bottom of his feet.

Theory two: Uncle Ben was one impatient motherfucker. There, you got me to say a dirty word. Well maybe it's true. We can't exclude theories simply because they might not be acceptable for children. Maybe he blew up at Aunt Ben quite a few times because rice took way too damn long to cook. He said, "WOMAN, I NEED SOME DAMN RICE." And she said, "HELL I KNOW YOU DID NOT SAY THAT TO ME, GO INVENT SOMETHING."

Unlikely.

Theory three: Uncle Ben is a fictional character. This is the 21st century, scientists figured out how to shoot microwaves through tiny packets of rice causing them to cook. I use my microwave for precisely 90 seconds to cook it perfectly. Uncle Ben is merely a front.

Unlikely? More like... HORSESHIT.


I apologize for bringing you down this road. Obviously, the legend of Uncle Ben microwavable pouches is equal to the Kennedy assassination, Area 51, the Lochness monster, and where your mother buys her underwear, etc.

The world may never know.

But now you know the world may never know.

So... the more you know.

I'm a playa.

But only in fringe meanings of the phrase.

And by fringe I'm in no way making a golf joke. Because those are terrible.

Have you ever run out of beer and had to drive 300 feet across the street to the liquor store owned by Russian immigrants. You probably haven't, but I just did.

There was an annoying piece to the story. It's the part where my truck kept beeping because I didn't have my seatbelt on. What a pompous piece of shit. Who are you to tell me my seatbelt is off. You're a piece of fucking machinery. I'm the person in this position. I know my seatbelt is off. Where's the "I don't care stop making fucking noise" button? I realize this paragraph is slightly irresponsible while I talk to the children of the world. But hopefully at this point they know not to read this.

I'm not exactly sure why I started this post. Without reading what I just wrote I'm sure it has something to do with Russians. They're the root of everything that makes me pissed. Except that one movie. Forget what it was. Regardless. How my typing remains flawless while thoroughly hammered still escapes me.

You should watch DragonForce. Because, I don't know. It's like an 80's band was frozen. And now they've been thawed in our time to turn it up to 11.

Rock out with your smock out.