Back in the Saddle

Rooogaine. Right off the bat.

1. Last week was mayhem.
2. Blogger wouldn't let me on their fucking website.
3. All lists must have 3.

So Trav and Palmer were down for the entire last week. All the things I said before about me not being a drunk. Goddamnit. Get thrown straight out the fucking window of life. I was a drunk. The entire past week. Never in my life have I spent so many consecutive nights so drunk I don't remember how my clothes got off and I was in my bed. I woke up every morning needing to open my mouth and stick it under Niagara falls. To illustrate this point, I'll show you the, in my opinion, best photo that pretty much describes the entire week. I give you the work of art entitled; Palmer and Bottles.



Apparently, (and I say "apparently" because I was much passed out at that point) Trav and Dave decided that Palmer was lonely all passed out on the air mattress by himself, so they stacked as many container friends as they could on him... and then took pictures. The best part though, was the next morning. At like 4AM or whatever the next morning Palmer wakes up and starts to move, and all of a sudden it sounded like the apartment was transformed into the fucking Tri-Town Recycling Center. Bottles cascaded everywhere. So then I guess that's when Palmer thought it'd be a wise idea to hunker down on the floor by the sliding glass door. What a great drunk. 5 Stars.

I think I have a few other pictures from the week. I'll have to take a quick second to photoshop some things into them though, so you know what's going on.

For example: Early in the week, it was discovered that if you openly look at women, they have a tendency to want to strike you. I don't know why. But quickly a new battleplan was drawn up. The key to this plan is to check out women without them knowing it. And a key piece of technology was needed specifically for this purpose.

Bam, you guessed it. Mirrored sunglasses.



Now, to effectively pull off the mirrored sunglasses maneuver, another thing is key. Say it with me now. "Look with your eyes, not with your head." Yes your owl-like movements may give you a better view, but dammit Jim, you'd best be keeping it discreet. Observe.



Notice how this is a textbook display. Although there are 5 possibly attractive women directly to his left, Trav keeps his "eyes" on the prize. Which means, head straight ahead. Bravo, Travis, you've taught us all so much.

Many things happened to go our way this week as well. Like, for example, did you know that between the hours of 4 and 7 it is happy hour at Bernkastel Festhaus? NEITHER DID WE. That means $2.75 pints people. And you can get whatever the crap you want. I had quite a few Guinness and Harp black and tans. They were awesome. That's a place I will definitely be visiting in the future. And there were so many drunks there, and 4 in the afternoon. It was hilarious. First, there were these two crazy dames from Georgia. I don't know what was so special about them. They were just crazy. And then there was the batshit crazy patrone guy. For the entire time we're at the pub he's trying to bum cigarettes off us and telling us, "You've got to try Patron dude, it's so gooooood." Or "I've been drinking Patron and beer allll morning. You've got to try Patron dude, it's so smooth." Or another classic, "Dude, you've GOT to try that Patron." I think Palmer bought a shot for the guy because he felt bad for him. Myself, I just stuck to the beer. Had two pints of this German beer called Oktoberfest. It was pretty good, I have to say. But I was pretty far in the bag by then, so it didn't matter.

And then came the ultimate asshattery of the week. When we pulled into the parking garage I had stuck the parking ticket into the vent of my truck, so that I wouldn't lose it. And of course, we came back later and I was drunk off my ass. I reached to grab the parking ticket, and what did I do? That's right kiddies, I shoved that shit right down into the vent system by accident. I say, "Shit, I lost the parking ticket." They say, "How could you have lost the ticket, it's right... oh." So then we drive down to see if we can get out of the parking garage on the only three dollars we had left. We tell the guy our predicament, and he has no love, whatsoever for us. He says, "Lost ticket is 6 dollars, you're gonna have to back up if you can't pay, I'm a mean dirty old man, baaaaaaaaghhh." So we drive back up into the parking garage, trying to figure out what to do. I'm trying to count change, but failing miserably. I couldn't tell which ones were which. They're all almost the same size anyways. And 3/4 of them are the same color for christssake. We drove to the other end of the garage, hoping there would be a less old, and less angry man there. But there was a young angry man. He sure as hell seemed to hate his job. He was going to make us fill out a debt form, and then drive out and come back and pay him. What an asshole, we had like $4.52 of the $6, and he wasn't going to let us slide. And then drunken palmer hits a walkoff homerun in the bottom of the tenth by saying, "Oh wait guys, I found ten bucks in my wallet." We coulda stomped him.


That's just one of our many adventures from the past week. Hope you enjoy them, as I'm writing them here more for a documentation purpose than anything else. I'll relate more drunken adventures when I get around to it.