An open letter...

To: Lorne Michaels.
From: Tucker

Dear Lorne,

Tonight I woke up and turned on my television. Accidentally, my cable box had been positioned to receive the channel that transmits your show "Saturday Night Live". The saddest part of this, and which is what I write you in regards of, is that I was hoping against hope that it was a rerun. Unfortunately, it was one of your new episodes airing for the very first time. I was first treated to a musical interlude by a band called System of a Down. Now, I use the word "band" loosely. Which is not saying much as I would call a pickup bed choir of expatriated messicans a band before I would label them as such. So this "musical" performance ends, and I weep. Because as poor as it was, I knew what was coming next. Yes, one of your endlessly witty sketches. I cowered behind a throw pillow to find that the recurring sketch "Weekend Update" was coming on. I have some very fond memories of Weekend Update throughout my life and numerous Comedy Central marathons. The jokes in this sketch were, one might say somewhere in the spectrum of dull to uninspired to horrific-apocalyptic-shitstorm. It's as if your writer took an issue of the Inquirer while waiting in line at Wal-Mart, and wrote everything right there in his head.

"Britney spears having a show? More like she SHOULDN'T have a show. Heh heh heh."

Genius. Pure. Unfathomable. Genius. Notice Lorne, how I take the highroad. Notice how I didn't say, "what, is SNL written by a bunch of monkeys shitting on typewriters?" Because that would be taking the obvious humor copout. In writing future episodes, maybe you should try not scripting the very first thing that comes into your head.

This brings me to the second part of my open letter. Mr. Michaels, I hate to be the first one to tell you this. No one casted on your comedy show is funny. It hurts to have to break this news to you, and I know I'm the first to tell you because if I wasn't the entire cast would already have been drawn and quartered in the streets of New York. This is not just a lull. This is literally the most unfunny SNL cast in the history of the show. The show has reached a terminal velocity of suckitude headed at the concrete deck of shittiness. Again, one may take the blame to the writers. But when I see someone deliver a line that is less devastating than a comeback made by a fourth grader on the late bus home, we have a problem. Where are the new Dan Aykroyd's? Where are the new John Belushi's? WHERE ARE THE NEW BILL MURRAY'S? I know they exist. I know there are funny people in this world. I laugh at them every day. The problem here is that I do not laugh while watching your show.

So, in closing, you have a problem on your hands. On one hand you have a shitty show. On the other hand you have a shitty show. See, you have a problem on your hands. Better wash it off. And make with the funny.

Forever Yours,

Tucker
XOXO